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[Scene: The living room, Susan is hoovering near the sofa as Ben is sitting, reading a newspaper.]

Ben: [irritated] You've missed a bit!

Susan: [sarcastic] My sincere apologies your highness! Can I fluff a couple of pillows for you?

Ben: That would be lovely. [Susan sticks the hoover-tube on Ben's crotch, he yells in pain and pulls it off.] [sarcastic] Thank you.

Susan: You said you'd help me with the cleaning.

Ben: Doesn't sound like something I would say.

Susan: No, it's right up there with 'No, please I insist on paying for dinner.'.

[Susan pulls a pillow out of Ben's back. Janey, Mark and Kenzo arrive in the house.]

Janey: Hi.

Susan: Ah, hello. [to Kenzo] Did you have fun with mum and dad at the zoo today?

Kenzo: [Excited, holding a monkey toy.] I saw a pigeon!

Ben: [sarcastic] A pigeon? Well that's worth the price of admission.

Kenzo: Mummy, please can I go get a drink?

Janey: Of course you can.

Kenzo: Thanks for taking me to the zoo, dad.

Mark: Anytime, kiddo.

Ben: Ah, Mark. [Puts the newspaper down on the coffee table and gets up].

Mark: It's good to see you again, Ben.

Ben: Yes.

Susan: Give him time, he doesn't know you like we do.

Ben: Well, we're seeing a lot more of you of late.

Mark: Well, got a lot of time to make up with Kenzo. Not all of us could be amazing parents like you, straight off, Ben.

Susan: He REALLY doesn't know you like we do.

Mark: No, really, you make being a good Dad look easy.

Ben: Ah, well, I don't like to brag.

Susan: You have to be good at things to brag.

Mark: Right, i'm off then. Er, speak to you later, Janey?

Janey: Yeah. Today was lovely. Thanks, Mark.

[Mark kisses Janey.]

Susan: Bye, Mark.

Mark: Yeah, bye.

Ben: Good man, that Mark. Glad to see he's stepping up.

Susan: [to Janey] Do you want something to eat?

Janey: No thanks, Mum. Craig's taking me to dinner.

Ben: Oh, really? I'm so glad Craig's found time in his busy schedule as a shiftless layabout to let you buy him dinner.

Susan: Have you ever heard the expression, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"?

Ben: No.

Susan: How about, "Stop talking, or i'll smother you in your sleep"?

Ben: Yeah, that rings a bell.

[Susan walks off.]
[Opening credits]

Craig: All right, Ben-o, how are you, mate?

Ben: Gainfully employed. You?

Craig: Yeah, well played. That's as funny as the first 25 times you've said it.

[Ben laughs.]

Janey: [Enters the living room.] Hi.

Craig: Oh, wow, you looked amazing. [Janey gives him a kiss and they hug.] You smell amazing, too.

Ben: Well, she's showered, it's an old English custom.

Craig: Hang on a sec. I had something for you here. Where did I put it? Oh, no, I must have left it somewhere. [Craig scratches his head, revealing he has a rose under his sleeve.]

Janey: Oh, my gosh, you are as cute as a kitten.

[Janey and Craig playfully pat each other on their behinds. Ben does the same to Susan, she slaps him in the face.]

Craig: I guess we'll be off, guys. Nice talking with you.

Susan: Come by any time, Craig.

Ben: Any time i'm not here, Craig. [Craig and Janey leave.] Nice boy. I'll really miss him.

Susan: He likes her, she likes him. What is your problem?

Ben: I just think she can do better and one day she'll appreciate me for pointing it out.

Susan: [sarcastic] Hmm. Perhaps you're right. God knows, I wish somebody had done the same for me.

[Scene: Ben's dentist surgeon, Ben enters reading a file.]

Ben: Ok, so what can we do for you today, Mr... Best Friend? "Best Friend". That's a bit...

[Ben turns to the dentist's chair, where he finds out that "Mr. Best Friend" is actually Roger.]

Roger: [excited] Top of the morning to you Mr. Best Friend!

Ben: Roger, what are you doing here?

Roger: I just came by for my annual cleaning.

Ben: [Shows Roger the file.] Which you had two months ago.

Roger: My semi-annual cleaning, then.

Ben: Roger, it is your holiday. Your holiday. That means you don't have to come into the surgery and I get to have a pleasent week.

Roger: I don't want to be on my own, Ben. I miss being in a relationship. [rises up] Will I ever find love again?

Ben: Of course you will, Roger. [Roger gets up and Ben shows him the way out.] Of course you can. There are lots of desperate women out there.

Roger: You think?

Ben: Somewhere out there, is a hopeless loser who has completely given up.

Roger: But where do I find her?

Ben: Well, one thing's for sure, Roger, it won't be in here. [Ben pushes Roger out the surgery, closing the door, then opens it again after noticing Matt.] Ah, Mark.

Mark: Hello!

Ben: Come in, come in, what can I do for you?

[Mark walks in, wearing a suit.]

Mark: Wanted to have a moment, if I could, sir.

Ben: "Sir"! Entree, entree. Have a seat. Can I get you a mouthwash. Only joking.

[Mark sits down on the dentist's chair.]

Mark: There was something I wanted to discuss with you. [pause] You're a good man, Ben.

[Roger walks back in.]

Roger: Ben, there are no women out here.

Ben: Out!

[Roger leaves, closing the door behind him.]

Mark: A man of integrity. Old-fashioned values.

Ben: One tries, one tries.

Mark: And I've been trying my best of late to live up to the values you represent as a father.

Ben: Well, it's a hard act to follow, Mark, hard act to follow.

Mark: Which brings me to the purpose of my visit. Now, I know I've made mistakes in the past but I'm a different man now. A better man. And I'm interested in being more than just Kenzo's father. I'd also like to be... Janey's husband.

Ben: Plot twist.

Matt: You see, I want to ask Janey to marry me so the three of us can be a proper family.

Ben: Why would you want me living with you?

Matt: Kenzo.

Ben: Kenzo, yes, sorry! Of course.

Matt: So, from a father who can only hope to measure up to your standards... I'd like your permission to ask for Janey's hand in marriage. Sir.

Ben: Well, you have it sir. [Shakes Mark's hand.] You have it, indeed.

Mark: Thank you! And I promise to repay your largesse by making your daughter as happy as you make Susan.

Ben: Oooh, aim a little higher. Ok? Little, little higher.

[Scene: The house, Susan welcomes Craig in.]

Susan: Craig! I'm afraid you've just missed Janey.

Craig: Actually, I came round to talk with you.

Susan: Coffee?

Craig: Er, sure. [They walk into the kitchen.] Yeah, there's something I wanted to discuss with you. You're a good woman, Susan.

Susan: Yes, I know.

Craig: And beautiful.

Susan: If you insist.

Craig: They say...

Susan: Milk?

Craig: Er, sure. Yeah, they say...

Susan: Sugar?

Craig: Er, yeah, yeah. They say that if you want to know what a woman will look like when she's older, just take a look at her mother and standing here with you now, I just know that Janey's going to get more and more divine.

Susan: They do say that, don't they. [Gives Craig a cup of Coffee.] [firmly] Sit.

[They sit down.]

Craig: Er.. The thing of it is, I love Janey and I know I don't have much to offer her in the way of fancy things, you know? Cars and jewellery. But I want to grow old with her and I want to get your blessing... to ask Janey to marry me.

Susan: Isn't it traditional to ask the father for his blessing?

Craig: Ah, traditions are made to be broken, especially when Ben-o's the father.

Susan: You have my blessing. Ask away.

Craig: Ah, thank you! [Kisses Susan on the cheek.] Thank you, Susan. I'm going to make Janey so happy.

Susan: And my husband so mad. It's a win-win for all of us! [gets up] Biscuit?

Craig: Sure.

Susan: [Holding a biscuit tin.] Hang on. You're not going to hit 35 and metamorphose into some misanthropic misogynist, are you?

Craig: I don't know any of those words.

Susan: [Offers the tin to Craig.] Welcome to the family, son.

[Craig takes a biscuit and eats it.]
[Scene: Later on, Ben arrives at the house, he is ecstatic. Susan walks into the living room.]

Ben: [In song] I've got big news.

Susan: Not as big as my news.

Ben: I don't think so.

Susan: Oh, but I do.

Ben: I bet your news is crap news compared to my news.

Susan: My news will slice up your news like a salami.

[Susan and Ben sit down on the sofa.]

Ben: Ok, well I had a visit today from a certain gentleman caller of Janey's.

Susan: You did?

Ben: I did.

Susan: And did he ask you for something?

Ben: He did indeed.

Susan: And?

Ben: I gave him my blessing.

Susan: You did?

Ben: I did.

Susan: Oh, Ben, I'm so proud of you.

Ben: I invoke pride in others, 'tis true. What's your news?

Susan: He came round to the house and asked me for my blessing too.

Ben: He did?

Susan: He did. Are you upset?

Ben: No. It's, I mean it's traditional that the father's blessing carries more weight, but... I thought my blessing would have been blessing enough.

Susan: For a sneeze, maybe. Anyway, let's not argue. This is good news.

Ben: It's great news, the best!

Susan: Yes. So you're happy?

Ben: Very. You?

Susan: Very. I wonder where Janey and Craig will go on honeymoon.

Ben: Well, I hear Morocco... Janey and Craig?!

Susan: Yes, why?

Ben: You mean Janey and Mark.

Susan: Mark?! Mark asked for your blessing to marry Janey?

Ben: Yes, and I gave it.

Susan: But they're not even dating!

Ben: Well, they should be! I can't believe you gave Craig your blessing!

Susan: Craig and Janey are in love!

Ben: Well, so were we and look how that turned out!

Susan: Don't you want Janey to be happy?

Ben: When did marriage have anything to do with happiness? [Susan gives him a firm stare.] I guess i'm sleeping in the same room, [Susan nods.] yeah. [Ben gets up off the sofa.]

[Scene: Later on in the kitchen, Ben and Susan look at each other as Janey arrives with a box of stuff.]

Janey: Morning! [She notices their firm expressions.] What are you two fighting about today?

[Roger walks back in.]

Susan: Nothing. What makes you think we're fighting?

Janey: [chuckles] You're in the same room.

Ben: It's just that your m...

Susan: A friend of ours is having a little problem. Well, actually, their daughter does.

Ben: Yes, it seems that she's going to get two marriage proposals from two different guys.

Janey: [chuckles] What a slapper!

Susan: Well, her father wasn't around much.

Ben: Yes, and her mother is an overbearing control freak. Anyway, apparently this woman has got to decide between the responsible working father of her child.

Susan: Or a cute fun-loving Australian.

Janey: [chokes and coughs] Mark and Craig want to propose to me?

Ben: Who told you?

Janey: How do you two know this?

Ben: Because Mark, being a proper gentleman, came to me and asked for my blessing in the traditional manner.

Susan: And Craig, knowing your father to be an imbecile, asked me for my blessing.

Janey: Wow! Well, this is kind of cool. Two men want me and it's not even Friday night!

Susan: So, tell me, when they do get round to asking, who do you think you'll go with? [dull] Mark or [cheery] Craig?

Ben: [Gets up from the kitchen table.] Mark?

Susan: Craig?

Ben: Mark?

Janey: I honestly don't know. It depends on what they have to say. How they say it and how I feel when they do. I guess my heart will answer for me. [Janey leaves]

Ben: [walks over to Susan] My guy is gonna win. My guy is gonna win, ok? So in your face, Susan.

Susan: Stop it, Ben. This is not about you and me, this is Janey's life we're talking about. It's time for us to step back.

Ben: What, so we stay out of it, yeah? Leave the decision to the kids, right?

Susan: Precisely.

Ben: Completely?

Susan: Entirely.

Ben: Done?

Susan: Done.

[They shake hands.]

Ben: Thanks for the coffee... darling.

Susan: You're welcome... sweetheart.

[Ben exits, closing the door behind him. He picks up his phone in the living room where he finds Susan on the other end.]

Ben: Susan.

Susan: Ben.

Ben: Who are you calling?

Susan: No-one. Who are you calling?

Ben: No-one.

Susan: Then why did you pick up the phone.

Ben: I was just about to clean it. Ok, bye, then. [Puts phone down, Susan smiles, he puts it back up.] Susan... [Walks into the kitchen.] Susan!

Susan: Janey is marrying Craig.

Ben: Over my dead body!

Susan: Oh, fine, we'll find someone else to walk Janey down the aisle.

Ben: She is marrying Mark!

Susan: Craig!

Ben: Mark!

Susan: Craig!

Ben: Mark!

[Janey walks in, Ben and Susan quickly stop their argument and hug.]

Janey: Oh, I'm so stupid. I forgot my keys.

Ben: Ah, lovely.

Susan: Yes.

[Janey goes into the leaving room.]

Ben: Mark!

Susan: Craig!

Ben: Look, Susan...

Susan: No, you look, Ben. I'm going to help Craig put a marriage proposal together that will make Janey swoon.

Ben: Yes, from nausea, no doub..

Susan: Oh, you think you can do better?

Ben: Look, I do know a thing or two about asking a woman to marry me. Remember?

Susan: As I recall, you were so drunk you muttered something about two lives becoming one before heaving and passing out.

Ben: As I recall, you said, "Yes."

Susan: I was drunk, too!

Ben: Oh, yeah.

[In the living room, Janey opens the door to Roger.]

Janey: Hi.

Roger: Hello, Janey.

Janey: What's up, Rog?

Roger: Oh, I'm just making the most of my week off. How are you, Janey.

Janey: Yeah. [pauses] Sorry, sorry, Rog, my mind was somewhere else.

Roger: My mind does that too. Slips out for a coffee. Never know if it's gonna come back or not.

Janey: No, It's just I've got a decision to make. A big decision... involving love.

Roger: Urgh. Don't talk to me about love. Love and I are... [He chokes and groans, miming being hanged.] Your father said that somewhere out there is the woman for me, but where on Earth do you start?

Janey: Oh, don't five up hope, Rog. [Puts her arm around him.] The right girl for you could be... a lot nearer than you think. [Janey kisses Roger on the cheek and walks off.] Dad's in the kitchen.

[After Janey leaves, Roger listens to Ben talking in the kitchen.]

Ben: I'd be happier if Roger asked Janey to marry him!

[Hearing this, Roger excitedly walks into the kitchen.]

Roger: See you at the wedding... [Puts his arms around Ben and Susan.] Dad! Mum! [Cheerfully dances off.]

[Scene: Later on in the kitchen, Susan is talking with Craig.]

Susan: Alright, Craig, listen up. You'll have to get your head out of the clouds and your arse in gear to win this thing.

Craig: "Win this thing"?

Susan: I mean, "Make Janey happy."

Craig: I can't tell you how much it means to me, you helping me out. It's not always that easy for me to express what I'm feeling.

Susan: A man who can't express his feelings, I don't believe it(!) Well, I'm here to help. Now, I know money's tight, so I've got a ring for you.

Craig: Oh, but I've already got a ring. [Susan takes the ring and walks over to Craig who takes out his ring.] It's simple, modest, it's elegant...

Susan: It's crap. [Throws Craig's ring away and shows him the one she bought.] Here, this is white gold with an antique amethyst and diamond inlay. Janey will love it.

Craig: Wow. Thanks. I can't believe you're being so generous.

Susan: Well, I'm not, it's Ben's. It belonged to his grandmother.

Craig: She and Ben-o must have been pretty close, eh?

Susan: No, he won it off her at poker. Now you want to take Janey out to a nice place for dinner to propose. No girl wants to be asked the most important question of her life at Chicken Cottage.

Craig: Right. Yeah. So what are you thinking, Nando's?

Susan: You know what? I'll make the reservation for you. There's a wonderful French restaurant that Ben takes me to whenever he screws up. We eat there a lot.

Craig: So, I guess you'll be wanting to hear my proposal? It's still a bit rough.

Susan: Oh, well just let me hear it, and then I'll tweak it a bit.

Craig: [Down on one knee, holds Susan's hand, pretending she's Susan.] Janey... my heart was cold, until your warmth filled it. My world didn't turn until you walked beside me. You're the sunlight on my face, the air in my chest, and the beauty in my life. There's no words to convey all that I feel for you so, I guess, "I love you", will just have to make do. Will you marry me? Oh, who am I kidding. [sits down] It's all a bit rubbish, isn't it.

Susan: [pauses] It's a start. It's... It's definately a start.

[Scene: Ben's dentist surgeon, Ben is with Mark, planning Mark's proposal.]

Mark: I really appreciate your help here Ben. I'm a businessman, I know how to write a contract, not a marriage proposal.

Ben: Mark, just relax, OK? When it comes to matters of the heart, you're talking to the love doctor. What have you got?

Mark: Thought I'd just speak from the heart, tell Janey I had feelings for her. Even feelings of love.

Ben: No, no, no, that's so been done. Come one, what else have you got?

Mark: Well, I suppose I could tell her I've been working really hard, had a fair amount of success... earn a six-figure sum, got a boat.

Ben: Dinghy?

Mark: Yacht. A chateau in France, and a small estate in Argentina which we're really excited about because the winnery has had a great first year, [Mark walks behind Ben, who has a gobsmacked look as Mark continues talking.] and we're exporting to America and... Who am I kidding? Janey's not gonna be impressed by that is she?

Ben: It's a start. It's... definately a start.

[Scene: The house, Ben walks in through the front door.]
[The phone rings, Ben answers it.]

Ben: Yeah? Hm? Chez Maurice? No, I've not made a reservation. Oh, my wife did. Why, what have I done wrong? What? Oh, for my daughter? It's for Janey? Ah, right... I see. Yes, thanks very much for calling to confirm.

[Ben quickly puts the phone down as Susan walks in.]

Susan: Who was that on the phone?

Ben: Nobody.

Susan: "Nobody"?

Ben: Nobody. Why do you ask?

Susan: No reason.

Ben: No?

Susan: Why are you acting so strangely?

Ben: I'm not acting strangely. What about you? Anything to feel guilty about?

Susan: Why should I feel guilty? You're the one on the phone to nobody.

Ben: Was I?

Susan: Why are you answering my questions with questions?

Ben: Am I?

Susan: Yes.

Ben: Really?

Susan: Stop it! I swear you get weirder by the day.

Ben: Do I?

[Susan walks off, Ben walks over to the kitchen, step by step, Susan stops and notices him at each step. Ben walks into the kitchen and closes the door. He calls Mark on the phone.]

Ben: Mark? Thank you, yes, it's me. Sir. Yes. Mark, um, listen, meet me tonight at Chez Maurice. 7.30, Chiswick High Road. Yeah. Yes, good boy, good boy. This time tomorrow Janey's going to be the new Mrs... whatever your name is.

[Scene: The Chez Maurice, Janey and Craig are having dinner.]

Janey: Craig, is everything OK?

[They sit down.]

Craig: Yeah, yeah, why wouldn't it be?

Janey: You just seem a little nervous.

Craig: What would I have to be nervous about?

Janey: I don't know. Maybe you wanted to ask me something.

Craig: Ah, well, actually, Janey, the thing of it is... I, I, um...

Maitre D': Monsieur, are you ready?

Craig: Stop rushing me, please! For the love of God, I'll do it in my own time, OK?

Maitre D': I meant, are you ready to hear tonight's specials?

Craig: Right, er, can you give us another few minutes?

Maitre D': I await our next conversation with great enthusiasm(!) [He walks off.]

Janey: So, you were saying?

Craig: Ah, yeah. Janey... I, um... Janey, you're the most... that I've ever and... And I'm, well, you know, for the most part and since we're both, you know? So, yeah, what do you say?

Janey: You didn't actually say anything.

Craig: Really? I thought I made a heap of good points there.

Janey: Listen, I'm going to use the ladies', so why don't you think about what you want to tell me, huh?

[They kiss, Janey walks off. Ben and Mark arrive in the distance, noticing Craig.]

Ben: [to Mark] You stay here. I'll get rid of the wombat. [Ben walks over to Craig, who's starting to practise proposing.] Craig! Thank God! I've found you!

Craig: Ben, what are you doing here?

Ben: It's OK, It's OK. It's... Look, I know we've had our differences and I know how much you mean to Janey but I'd hate to see you deported.

Craig: Deported?!

Ben: Shhh!! [to the diners] All right. It's OK. OK.

Craig: What are you talking about?

Ben: It's just that immigration turned up at the house, apparently a bit of a mix-up, vis-a-vis a visa.

Craig: Vis-a-vis a visa?

Ben: Exactly. And it sounds pretty serious.

Craig: It's a big mistake. My papers are in order!

Ben: I know.

Craig: What should I do?

Ben: Go to the house, sort it out, let nothing stop you.

Craig: Right! Will you tell Janey I had to go?

Ben: I'd be delighted to tell her you've gone.

Craig: Thank you, Ben.

Ben: See, you later, good luck.

[Craig walks off, going past Mark, who he doesn't notice as he has his back to him. Ben goes to Mark.]

Ben: Shh, come here! [Ben takes Mark to Janey's table.] Make me proud, son.

[Ben walks off. Mark sits in Craig's chair as Janey comes back.]

Janey: Mark? What are you doing here? Is Kenzo OK?

Mark: Yeah. Don't worry. He's fine. Um...

Janey: Where did Craig go?

Mark: He had to go sort something out. Um... Janey, it's just... I really need to talk to you. Can you join me?

Janey: OK.

[They sit down.]

Mark: The thing is, Janey, um... when two people have known each other as long as we have, they develop a certain... fondness. And, um, one hopes that that fondness can turn into something other than... fondness. A deeper fondness, for example.

Ben: [Walking past in the background with a pan on his face with a voice similar to the pots and pans robot so Janey doesn't notice him.] Focus!

Mark: [Noticing Ben.] Right. Um... We've been through a lot together Janey. We're both parents to that amazing little man. And because of that, I thought we...

Janey: Yes?

Waiter: Can I get you anything, madam?

Janey: How about a man who can ask me a question?

[Scene: The house, Susan opens the door to Craig?]

Susan: Craig? What are you doing here?

Craig: Ah, It's a little emergency. I'm being deported.

Susan: What?

Craig: Yeah. Your old man came down to the restaurant to tell me about the Immigration guys.

Susan: Did he now? How very thoughtful of him(!)

Craig: Where are they?

Susan: You're coming with me, Craig.

Craig: But my visa...

Susan: Trust me, if anyone's leaving the country, it'll be Ben.

[Scene: The Chez Maurice, Mark is trying to propose.]

Mark: What I'm trying to say is, you know, not to put too fine a... If you look at the bigger picture...

Janey: You do know this place shuts at 11, right?

Mark: [Goes down on one knee.] Janey.

Janey: Yes.

Mark: You are a wonderful woman. Will you...

Susan: Where is he? Where's that idiotic husband of mine?! [She spots what appears to be Ben, from the back, sitting on a table.] Ah, never mind. [She takes a wine glass off a table.] This one's on you.

[Susan pours the wine glass over him, when the actual Ben arrives.]

Ben: What are you doing?

Susan: [Realises the man she poured the wine over wasn't Ben.] I'm so sorry, I have a drink problem.

Janey: What's going one?! What's everyone doing here?

Ben: Mark is about to propose to you.

Craig: What?

Susan: No, Craig is about to propose to you.

Mark: What?!

Ben: Go on, Mark, do it before Craig does, then his won't count.

Janey: Wait a minute, what the hell are you two doing here?

Ben: She secretly invited him to dinner to get Mark out of the way.

Susan: And he threatened Craig with deportation to get him out of the way.

Ben: Because I don't want her to marry Craig.

Susan: And I don't want her to marry Mark.

Ben: I was just about to clean it.

Janey: How about what I want?!

Ben: Never mind what you want, it's not important! Now Mark, do your thing.

Mark: [Gets his ring out.] Um, Janey, you mean everything to me.

Ben: Look at the size of that, Janey!

Susan: You know what they say about men with big diamonds. They're overcompensating.

Ben: Size is very important, Susan.

Susan: Don't I know it!

Janey: I cannot believe you two. You've actually taken sides.

Susan: No, we haven't. Craig, get on with it, do your thing.

Craig: Janey, I can't live without you.

Susan: D'you hear that Janey? He will literally die without you. Do you want that on your conscience?

Craig: Janey, I...

Ben: [Takes Craig's ring.] Look at the size of this, that's so small compared... This is my grandmother's ring!

Susan: You snooze, you lose.

Ben: This is a family heirloom, Susan, I'm going to have to take this off eBay now.

Janey: Just shut up, OK! You're all mad!

Ben: Come on, do your proposal, do it!

Mark: So?

Ben: So?

Susan: So?

Craig: So?

All Four: Will you marry me/him.

Janey: I can't believe this. You're both ruining this for me!

Maitre D': I must ask you all to leave maintenant! Mesdames et Messieur, I do apologise for this disturbance. I can only assure you the rest of the evening will be free of this circus freak show.

[Roger walks in, leading a Mariachi Band.]

Roger: Janey Harper, will y... [The band stops, with everyone looking at Roger.] Well, er... this is awkward. I thought this was a Spanish restaurant.

[Roger and the band leave.]
[Scene: The house, Janey, Ben, Susan, Craig and Mark all enter.]

Ben: Oh, come on, Janey, let me explain!

Susan: We're so sorry, darling.

Janey: What the hell is wrong with you two? I'm a grown woman. I don't need you deciding who I should spend my life with.

Susan: You hear her, Ben? It's not for you to decide.

Janey: You too, Mum.

Susan: Oh.

Craig: So?

Janey: What makes you think you can run my life better than I do?

Susan': It's a gift.

Janey: [to Mark and Craig] What the hell were you two thinking, taking marriage advice from them of all people. I mean, look at them.

Ben: Steady on, Janey!

Janey: This was a big moment and you two mucked it up beyond repair. I mean, how much worse could this night get?

[Roger and his Mariachi Band arrives.]

Roger: [Gets down on one knee.] Janey Harper, will you marry me?

Janey: No!

Mark: So, Janey, what's the decision?

Janey: Look, Mark, you're a good friend and a great dad to Kenzo but I don't want to marry you. [Walks over to Craig.] And Craig, I don't want to marry you either. And Roger...

Roger: [excited] She's reconsidered.

Janey: We've never talked for more than ten minutes and you're dressed like a Spanish bandit! So everyone, just leave me alone, OK? [Storms off.]

Susan': It's a gift.

Janey: [to Mark and Craig] What the hell were you two thinking, taking marriage advice from them of all people. I mean, look at them.

Roger: [pauses] I didn't hear a "no".

[Scene: The kitchen, Craig walks in while Janey is making a cup of coffee.]

Janey: Craig, I just need a minute.

Craig: Please, Janey, hear me out. I just need to ask you something. [Gets down on one knee.]

Janey: Craig, don't...

Craig': Janey, please. I want to speak for myself for once. I have to ask you a very important question. Will you date me?

Janey: What?

Craig: Janey, I love you, and I don't wanna marry you but not right now. You know, there's plenty of time for that. I just want to keep things the way they are. So, will you do me the honour of messing about down the pub, having a laugh and being my girl?

Janey: I will.

[They hug each other and kiss.]

Craig: Right, shall we got out there and tell them we've sorted things out.

Janey: Oh, Craig, you still have so much to learn. Come on! [She holds his hand and takes him to the back door.] Pub?

Craig: Yes.

[Scene: The bedroom, Ben and Susan are in bed.]

Susan: I guess we've learn an important lesson.

Ben: Couldn't agree with you more. Which lesson's that?

Susan: We shouldn't interfere in other people's love lives.

Ben: I don't know, I don't know, with all our experience at dealing with matters of the heart, I think we could really help someone. [The camera pans out to reveal Roger sleeping on the bed.] Mind you, some people are really beyond help

[End credits.]

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